Friday, January 30, 2009

mind loser

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

This cold in Chicago.

Same place differnt'

Saturday, January 24, 2009

wait for it

Monday, January 12, 2009

Like I said before.

take me to the river

i got back from a 2 week sabbatical in japan 3 days ago and i am already dead . its cold and there is snow everywhere. skateboarding is dead as well. what to do? baby, baby what to do with all this time.

- catch up on personal hygiene, i.e. take naps in the shower.

- handfuls of downers? shhh...

- start writing again.

- wait for ups to deliver boxes of product that i wont be able to use for the next 3 months

- drink red wine and fail to brush teeth

- watch the karate kid trilogy in reverse to get that where it all began effect. (i know there was a fourth but im sure that even pat morita would like to forget about that one.)

- balance check book ? cash only baby. i dont exist.

- sleep sleep sleep. (heroin? meh...)

- gain weight. which may not be a bad thing considering i have weighed the same amount since i was 15.

- video games? (join the army)

- meet nish and justin's lighters in the back of the basement of a bar that ive never been to. a freeloading girl with herpes on her lip that believes in wizardry and merlin can make you feel much better about your life.

- go back to japan. (to save your life)

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Monday, Jan 28, 1957

Dear Edie,

That was a beautiful letter you wrote me. I read some of it to Lucien later on.

You know, Before Joan died, when I saw her in 1950, she said you were the greatest person (I think she said nicest) she had ever known.

As for Willy B., he's queening around now but as ever he never bothers me with that. Instead we take long walks in the evening with hands clasped behind our backs, conversing politely. He is a great gentleman and as you may know, has become a great writer, in fact all the bigwigs are afraid of him (W.H. Auden, etc.) Yes, he knows we're coming in February, late.

Allen never loses track of me even when I try to hide. He does me many favors publicizing my name. Well, we're old friends anyway. But I can't keep up the hectic “fame” life he wants and so I won't stay with them long in Tangiers. I'm going to get me a quiet hut by the sea on the Spanish coast, then join them in Paris in the Spring.

“Escaping reality to go into simplicity is just what I do, except I regard reality as being simplicity. That is, God is Alone. Dont worry, I eat plenty, I have my cook kit in my pack and make delicious food wherever I go, when I have to. In NY naturally everybody invites me to big dinners in homes. But like in Spain and Europe, I'll make me pancakes and syrup with black coffee for breakfast, boil me big post of Boston baked beans with salt port and molasses, make salads, eat French bread, cheese and dates for dessert. Etc.

I'll write you and you keep writing and if you suddenly get the impulse to see Europe I'll be here to show you around.

I have never left you either, and had many dreams f you, wild dreams where we're wandering in dark alleys of Mexico looking for a place to bang, etc.

I want to end my life as an old man in a shack in the woods, and I'm leading up to that soon as I dig the whole world including the orient. I'm invited to a Buddhist Monastery in Japan and will go withing 5 years. Also other things. Make movies too, later. I'll have more money than I need. Or maybe only what I need. I'm glad to send my mother her reward, think eventually I'll take her out to California and get her a little rose covered cottage, and get me a shack for half the time, in the wild hills beyond Mount Tamalpais.

Hearing your voice at night over the phone , in a hotel where I'd gone to hide out to work, was like a strange and beautiful dream. You sounded warmer and more mature. You will always be a great woman. I have a lot of things to teach you now, in case we ever meet, concerning the message that was transmitted to me under a pine tree in North Carolina on a cold winter moonlit night. It said that Nothing Ever Happened, so dont worry. It's all like a dream. Everything is ecstasy, inside. We just don't know it because of our thinking-minds. But in our true blissful essence of mind is known that everything is alright forever and forever and forever. Close your eyes, let your hands and nerve-ends drop, stop breathing for 3 seconds, listen to the silence inside the illusion of the world, and you will remember the lesson you forgot, which was taught in immense milky ways of cloudy innumberable worlds long ago and not even at all. It is all one vast awakened thing. I call it the golden eternity. It is perfect. We were never really born, we will never really die. It has nothing to do with the imaginary idea of a personal self, other selves, many selves everywhere, or one universal self. Self is only an idea, a mortal idea. That which passes through everything, is one thing. It's a dream already ended. There's nothing from staring at mountains months on end. They never show any expression, they are like empty space. Do you think the emptiness of space will ever crumble away. Mountains will crumble, but the emptiness of space, which is the one universal essence of mind, the one vast awakenerhood, empty and awake, will never crumble away because it was never born.

The world you see is just a movie in your mind.

Your eternal old man,